Life doesn’t come in a book. It is a matter of time. Time rewrites your priorities. “
I find myself thinking a lot during quiet times, such as when the house is still, the children are sleeping, or the phone has finally stopped buzzing. In those moments of silence, I am able to see how my priorities have changed over the years. It doesn’t happen all at once or overnight. But it does come gradually… over time, through experiences, heartbreaks and joy.
I’ll take you on my journey, not just as the story of one man or woman but for all of us. We are constantly being shaped by life, whether we like it or not. We begin with star-shining dreams but end up chasing completely different goals. This is how I changed over time and what I valued at every critical turn in my life.
Phase one: The untouched years (before marriage)
The early years of my life, in my late teens and my twenties, were simple, wild and complete of ambition. Then, I was driven by friendship and wealth. Achievement was also a priority.
I was driven to success, not out of greed but because I believed it was the only way I could validate myself. All the awards, certificates and promotions I received made me feel like I was good enough.
Money was not an instrument but a goal. I never thought of saving money. I wanted to have the latest phone, the most fabulous clothes and the best bicycle. My life revolved around the “today.” I never thought of “tomorrow.”
But life doesn’t stay still. It waits and then throws you a curveball. This curveball was my love for me.
Phase 2: The Shift After Marriage
The marriage and falling in love changed me more than I expected. I was no longer alone. “we’ became more important than “me”. Someone’s happiness was linked to mine. I had to go home and see someone who was my home.
My priorities shifted inward. I started to value my family, our love of owning a house, and, later, investment. I began reading about SIPs and mutual funds. I thought of furniture, life insurance, and EMIs. It turns out that love makes you want to protect your possessions.
It was not a burden. It was growth.
We have replaced Friday night outs with family dinners. Now, achievements were shared and not displayed. It was a good month when I could buy something for my parents and not just for myself. In this new equation, I felt grounded.
The world had a different plan for me. It wanted to show me how responsibility looked.
The Awakening: Phase Three (After Having Children).
You are not prepared for parenthood by anything, and I mean absolutely nothing. If you read books, watch videos or listen to advice, the moment that you hold your baby, your entire world will change.
Health suddenly became sacred, not just for me but also for them. I started to be concerned about education and not just degrees but also values. I began to read the labels of food products. I checked school curriculums. I was worried about air pollution and screen time.
I stopped dreaming of expensive watches and fancy cars. I dreamed of their laughter, future, and safety. Happiness was no longer about me but about the joy I saw in their eyes.
Not out of passion but fear, I started planting trees and caring for the environment. Fear of the world that my children would inherit. Through their life, I discovered who I was.
The most beautiful chaos that I have ever experienced.
Phase 4: Wisdom Years (After 55 Years of Age)
As I approach what some call my golden years, I am able to look back on the past with a softer heart and more open eyes. Priorities do not disappear; they simply evolve. At this point, I value peace, purpose, loved ones and memory.
I walk. I don’t chase anymore. I don’t argue to win. I listen to understand. The passage of time has taught me that true luxury is not possessions but peace. I’ve lost friends–some due to time and others due to distance. I now value phone calls more than emails and hugs more than texts.
Old friends are more important than old grudges. No longer are family dinners taken for granted. My ambition, which I once wore like armour, now serves as a gentle memory of my roots.
I’ve come to realize that silence can be healing. It’s not my purpose to prove anything. Instead, I want to share stories and lessons. I also want to stand out as more than just a resume.
The Darker Mirror: A Negative View of Life
Not all transitions are born of joy. Some transitions were born out of pain. I’ve seen the darker side of life, too.
I watched my peers fall into traps in their youth – drugs, money, and meaningless fun. Once, I, too, flirted around the edges. All of it was thrilling until the consequences hit.
After my marriage, I learned that financial planning, legal guidance and long-term financial planning are not tedious adult tasks but shields. I watched marriages fall apart, friends disappear in courtrooms and trust crumble. I realized that being prepared wasn’t a sign oofpessimism,but an act of love.
Children brought new concerns: Reputation, Community, and Security. I was no longer afraid of failure. Instead, I was worried about what it would mean to them.
The darkness can sometimes return as we age. The doctors visit more often. You begin to count savings and remember the lessons of life. You flip through old photo albums rather than receiving phone notifications.
DEEP DARKER SIDES
FOR THE GOOD MAN
In India, a good man raised with responsibility and respect for women may still be left financially ruined and socially vilified if a marriage turns toxic.
A. Dowry & Wedding Costs
- Despite being illegal, dowry persists in subtle (and not-so-subtle) forms.
- Average wedding cost (middle to upper-middle class): ₹15–50 lakhs
- Often entire family savings or loans are spent on marriages.
B. False Cases: IPC 498A, DV Act
- Section 498A (cruelty to wife) is a necessary legal tool, but is sometimes misused in contentious divorces.
- One FIR can lead to:
- Immediate arrest of husband and in-laws
- Passport suspension
- Loss of job or professional license
- Legal fees over 3–5 years: ₹5–10 lakhs or more
- Emotional trauma: Courts become battlefields; society treats the accused as guilty until proven innocent.
“A good man may lose everything—not because he was wrong, but because he trusted wrong.”
C. Alimony & Maintenance (Section 125 CrPC & HMA)
- Husband is often ordered to pay maintenance even if wife is educated or working.
- Typical range: ₹15,000–₹50,000/month for years
- In mutual consent divorce, lump sum alimony ranges from ₹10 lakhs to ₹1 crore+ depending on income.
Example:
- Monthly salary: ₹1 lakh
- Maintenance: ₹30,000/month × 5 years = ₹18 lakhs
- Alimony: ₹20 lakhs lump sum
- Lawyer Fees: ₹5 lakhs
Total = ₹43 lakhs+ lost
FOR THE GOOD WOMAN
In Indian culture, women are often raised with the idea that marriage is sacred and permanent. When a good woman finds herself in a wrong marriage, she suffers in silence, sometimes for decades.
A. Sacrificed Identity
- She gives up her job, city, even surname.
- Adjusts to in-laws, new rules, new roles.
- In a toxic setup, her entire identity is reduced to duty: daughter-in-law, mother, cook.
“In a wrong marriage, a good woman doesn’t live—she performs.”
B. Dependency Trap
- Many women are financially dependent, making it harder to walk out even if abused.
- Fear of being labeled “failed woman” or being sent back to natal home leads to staying stuck.
C. Social Stigma
- Divorced women are often:
- Blamed (“she couldn’t adjust”)
- Isolated in family functions
- Discriminated against in remarriage prospects
- If children are involved, the burden is doubled.
D. Mental Health Toll
- Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation are common but unspoken.
- Seeking therapy is still taboo in many circles.
Why Good People Suffer Most
- Good men often ignore red flags, thinking patience and responsibility will fix it.
- Good women suffer silently to avoid shaming parents or “breaking the family.”
- Cultural conditioning rewards endurance over happiness.
Cost of a Wrong Marriage
| Aspect | Good Man | Good Woman |
|---|---|---|
| Financial Cost | ₹25–50 lakhs (legal + alimony + wedding) | Loss of earning years, no asset rights |
| Emotional Toll | Social shame, legal trauma, loss of trust | Depression, isolation, identity collapse |
| Time Lost | 5–10 years in courts and rebuilding | 10–20 years in emotional survival mode |
| Social Judgment | “He must’ve done something” | “She couldn’t adjust, too modern” |
| Post-Marriage Stigma | Remarriage possible but with doubt | Remarriage very difficult, esp. with kids |
LESSONS FOR YOUNG INDIANS
- Background & Compatibility Checks
- Don’t marry based on convenience or community pressure. Know values.
- Discuss Hard Topics
- Money, children, in-laws, career ambitions, faith.
- Avoid Family Interference
- Marriage is between two people, not two clans.
- Sign a Prenuptial Agreement (even if informal)
- At least document mutual expectations.
- Recognize Red Flags Early
- Disrespect, manipulation, entitlement, possessiveness.
- Encourage Therapy & Counseling Before Marriage
- Not a sign of weakness, but of preparedness.
The Truth about Priorities
Your brain might work at 100%, but love, peace and memories are all matters of the heart. The heart is always listening to the time.
We can’t always choose what situations we will face, but it is up to us to decide how to prioritize the things that matter. Wisdom is not in making no mistakes but in learning from others, adapting, and observing.
A Life Well Lived
It’s not about winning every race. Knowing when to run and when to pause is key.
Learn from those who have gone before you. What they regret and what they treasure. Do not wait for the storm to start building your ark. Start building your ark now.
This life, your life, deserves to be lived and not just endured.
Above all… Marry wisely, not traditionally. Because the cost of a wrong choice is never shared equally.