I’ve made my life’s mission permanent by choosing myself over temporary opportunities, people and vibes.
I don’t feel protein-deficient in today’s romance economy. Instead, I gorge daily on self-respect – an organic, cruelty-free, gluten-intolerant protein source I crave daily – while adding in some sarcasm, sensuality, and humour for good measure. I am not just searching for love; instead, I am curating it just like a playlist or skincare regimen.
Because in a world that seems to be falling apart faster than my screen time discipline, one must be selective when choosing potential partners in the Dating Olympics.
Let me introduce you to some games.
Level One: A Man Who Considered Thought Therapy “a Vibe”
He had mantras tattooed onto his collarbones like spiritual bumper stickers. Wearing linen in winter and carrying sage like an aunt would do was his style of thought therapy.
On our first date, he stared directly into my eyes for an uncomfortable amount of time.
“I feel as if we have met before,” he whispered.
“Possibly. Were they as confused back then?” I muttered.
He laughed, saying I was being “feisty”. As I smiled in response, it felt like my jaws were readying themselves to spring a surprise attack!
By dessert, he asked, “Do you believe in past lives?”
“Yes,” was my response. “And in each one, I dumped you already.“
“If a man cannot express his emotions without burning sage, he isn’t ready for yours.
Level 2: The Softboy with Difficulties Committing
He had delicate wrists, an elegant jawline that cut like butter, and an emotional availability best described as “pending”.
At 2 a.m., he would send playlists of indie bands that sound like emotional breakdowns set to ukulele music.
Once, we almost kissed, but he told me not to as he feared we’d ruin the vibe.
The vibe was more important than communication, consistency or clarity.
“What are you hoping to gain from this?” I inquired.
He looked beleaguered. “I don’t know… something intense and undefined, like an eclipse but romantic.”
“Okay,” I answered. “Let me be the sun. You can play as the clouds.”
“Flee from Stage Left.“
Anonymous relationships often mature like avocados: beautiful until they start rotting away.
Level 3: An NFT Bro Who Tried to Mislead Me with Crypto Lingo
He arrived wearing limited edition sneakers, his confidence skyrocketing like Dogecoin.
“You should consider yourself lucky,” he laughed. “I’m a scarce specimen – an emotionally stable partner with no replacement possible.“
I asked him how he handled conflict. His response? Detach and watch the charts.
I asked him about love. His answer? : It is a volatile market.”
I asked him whether or not he believed in monogamy.
“Let’s discuss utility. “, said Mr. Nanjiani.
Sir, I am not a blockchain; instead, I am an intelligent woman with eyebrows that rival your moral compass.
I managed to delete his contact much faster than an unsaved tab in incognito mode.
“Don’t date anyone who treats love like it’s an uncertain asset; emotional investments matter more.”
INTRUMPATION: Emotional Protein Shake Recipe This shake requires one scoop of self-worth (non-GMO).
Add some intuition, followed by some lively group chats for an inspiring dose of fun!
1 heavy lift at boundaries
No need for additional “What are we?” texts
Blend it all up in your spine, sip through a titanium straw and feel instantly glowing, sexier and hotter!
Level 4: The Digital Poet
He was my digital poet – master of late-night compliments, meme replies, and texts sent at exactly 11:57 p.m. with messages like, “How are you today?”.
Though we had never met in person, emotionally, we’d exchanged 16,038 emojis, 56 Spotify links and zero real plans for a relationship.
Finally, I asked if anyone wanted coffee.
His typing bubbles danced before dissipating. When asked if he was ready for real-world responsibilities, she replied, “Nope… not yet!”
PURE?, Sir! I am not here to emotionally enable your fantasies or provide emotionally charged counsel.
“Some individuals do not seek romantic partners. Instead, they prefer therapists with good lighting.”
Level 5: The Guy Who Mistook Feminism for Splitting Bills
He began their date by inquiring: “So, you are one of these powerful women?”.
“Yes,” I answered as I took another sip of water, “someone who won’t try to babysit your ego.”
Midway through our date night, he lectured me about why men are “actually the more emotional gender.”
He then asked me to drive him home.
He then texted: “You are intimidating. That isn’t an endorsement.”
As I was busy pressing protein bars into a voodoo doll, I wasn’t able to reply immediately.
“Don’t overdo it. They are used to vending-machine romance: tap, pay, and receive.”
LEVEL 6: THE ONCE-A-WHILE GOOD ONE mes Now wait.
Now, let me be clear about this.
One man did manage to slip past my bouncers, who had been protecting my soul.
He didn’t ask for my photo first. Instead, he inquired what condition was afflicting me at that moment in time.
He didn’t say you were hot; instead, he said it was rare for someone to feel at ease in their skin like that.
He wasn’t ghosting; instead, he texted when promised and called me “a calm place”. Furthermore, he held eye contact like it was sacred.
Kisses under streetlights. Dancing in the kitchen and never needing to label it fast.
Not because he was perfect but instead because I finally felt ready to stop accepting chaos as my norm and embrace peace as an attractive alternative.
Real love doesn’t confuse; it enlightens. Like reliable Wi-Fi and clear contracts.”
Final Level:
My Reflection in the Mirror No one needs to complete me; I am already complete and do not require anyone’s completion in order to feel whole again.
But I am selective. While I may flirt and laugh in social situations and express my affections openly when appropriate, I will never again audition to be someone’s maybe.
I am the main course, not an emotional accompaniment.
I am high-protein, low-drama, emotionally marinated.
And I have learned: If they do not abide by your standards, let them snack elsewhere.
Because… “In an ever-more fragile world, my self-respect is my strongest asset — and baby, it is in beast mode!”
Closing Montage: Quotes from the Wall of Dignity: “You do not owe anyone closure for creating discord in your life.
“Some individuals wearing red flags on their shoes have taken to wearing Yeezys; let them jog in peace.
“Had he wanted to, he would. Thank God that he didn’t.
“Stop breaking your back bending over for people who can’t even kneel for prayer.
“So are you still single?”. A Post-Credits Scene pal inquired.
Me: “Yes, but they are no longer available.”
“Hear what your friend had to say.” “Are you still searching?”
Me: “Not searching, just aligning. Trust that the universe will send someone along when it has done their part in creating your next lover!”
Final Advice: Wiser than Ever: Love Slowly, Laugh Loudly and Depart Early; never discount yourself or your dignity for anyone or anything!
At a time when society seems disintegrated like an IKEA shelf, you should never assemble yourself from parts supplied by others. Your worth cannot be shared among individuals.