As is typical in our generation, we met like so many romances: by accidentally liking an Instagram post three months old at 2:17 in the morning.
Was this by chance or chancelessness? No; rather it was due to insomnia, lack of self-respect, and overwhelming amounts of data.
He had a beard, vinyl collection and claimed his moon tattoo had deep personal significance – yet in reality it was simply Pinterest-related.
As someone recently released from an “unhappily ever after”, when this new guy used punctuation marks in his texts I took this as evidence of emotional maturity rather than punctuation for emotional depth.
Red Flags Were Screaming for Help
As soon as you enter, however, red flags become apparent as they’re disguised in green garb and holding cocktails.
Red Flag #1: He claimed not to use social media, yet liked every story I posted within 15 seconds on Finsta. Turns out he had one called @NotWatchingYouButWatchingYou – for some reason when I posted “feeling off today”, he commented with, “off like Thursday or off like anxious?” Neither romantic nor creepy.
Are You Committed to Stalking? Yes.
Red Flag #2: He claimed he was healing but still held onto his ex’s Spotify password, although they had parted ways and claimed they were just friends now.
Yet when his Discover Weekly showed all her favorite songs instead of his, he explained it away by saying it was just the algorithm at work.
“So is your emotional availability: artificial and built on past behavior.”
Red Flag #3: He believed astrology to be false. Yet Mercury seemed to “definitely retrograde” every time he disappeared for long periods, leading him to say something like:
After not hearing from him for an extended period, he eventually reappeared, saying something like: Sorry, I haven’t been communicating much lately,” and went on to do more self-work (re-watch Fight Club while getting high).
Love in an Era of TikTok Therapy
Chronically Online understands all the language.
“I feel accepted.”
“I have completed inner child work.”
“I communicate using memes.”
“I am emotionally unavailable but in an attractive manner.”
We’re a generation raised on romantic comedies, then hit upon by dating apps. We fall for someone’s playlist before even meeting them face to face; bonding over attachment styles, comparing therapist notes and exchanging voicemails like they’re love letters is something many of us experience daily.
Example:
I once dated someone who declared, “I can’t do monogamy – it’s colonial.” Additionally, they claimed “love is fluid.” They ultimately cheated with someone named Crystal – ironically selling healing crystals!
Breakups & Google Docs
Breakups don’t need to be messy – they can even be designed aesthetically!
My initial invitation came via a shared calendar invite:
“Let’s Meet at 6 PM”, while his included a shared Google Doc called “Where Did We Wrong”.
Slide 1: “You Exerted Too Much Emotional Labor.”
Translation: I asked him not to go missing for 3 days after an argument has taken place.
Slide 2: “I’m trying to improve myself.” [Fact check: He wanted to grow out his man bun and sell Non-Fidelity Test (NFTs).]
Slide 3: “You deserve someone present.” He, five minutes later, posted a selfie from Tulum with the words, “healing in peace”.
Warning Signs in Group Chat (and Heaven)
Following their breakup, a group chat quickly ensued.
Me: “He said my LinkedIn had masculine energy.”
Bestie: “My ex claimed therapy was nothing more than a scam and his therapist was Joe Rogan.”
Cousin: “My situationship once told me: ‘I don’t believe in time!'”
We laughed, we wept and meme’d our way through it all.
Funny phrase we repeated over and over: When someone indicates he or she isn’t ready for a relationship, take his/her word seriously and don’t turn it into a group project.
“Don’t fall for potential; remember you’re dating an individual, not an e-commerce campaign.”
And this eternal truth holds: Lingerie with red flags are just dealbreakers.
Rebranding Pain
Modern heartbreak doesn’t just endure quietly: it can also be turned into content for social media posts and conversations.
“POV: you healed faster than he could text back” became semi-viral and was enjoyed by him and others. Since then, healing now comes complete with filters and good lighting, and therapy sessions cost $200 while posting mysterious Instagram Stories is free!
Strange thing: After you stop crying and texting “I miss you” repeatedly and blocking/reblocking him/her, the reality sets in: You didn’t lose a soulmate; rather, you avoided becoming involved with a grown-up man who prefers cereal without milk for breakfast.
Strength in an Era of Ghosting
Sensuality today can only truly flourish when someone doesn’t confuse vulnerability with oversharing during pillow talk.
Strength is found in speaking up and saying no, without guilt-trips, for yourself and those around you. And “No, I do not accept your breadcrumbing.” And “I am not your emotional support hot girl.”
Once, I parted ways with someone who said they found me too much; my response? To which was “Then go find someone less.”
My favorite comeback ever? He said to me, “You won’t ever find anyone like me again.” To which I replied with: “Well, that is exactly why we meet.”
Plot Twist
At some point in my journey, I met someone new.
He didn’t bombard me with love-bombs or promise the moon (tattooed or otherwise). Nor did he use “I’ve been hurt before” as an excuse to treat others badly; rather, he offered phrases like:
“I like how you think.”
“Let’s talk it out.”
And finally, no fireworks needed here, only slow simmer.
Reflections on this Beautiful, Ridiculous Generation of Love
He isn’t mysterious; he just lacks communication skills. If you find yourself having to decode his text, move on.
Don’t date someone whose love language is “inconsistent behavior.” When his bio lists “sapiosexual,” that could be code for: I prefer women who won’t challenge my ego.” Trauma does not define someone;
Being “busy” does not necessitate scheduling conflicts – rather, it indicates a priority issue.
What We Know Now
Love today is complex. From TikTok and tweet threads to direct messages (DMs) and soft launches with hand holding – at its core lies two people seeking to meet each other where they stand.
At times, relationships can be messy. At other times, they’re hilarious. And at others still, it can be healing in its quieter yet deeper sensual way, like two tired people watching trash TV while holding hands under a blanket.
Not something you’d typically see on Instagram, but it still feels safe and familiar.
Your red flags don’t match my wallpaper, and guess what?
I just repainted in a color called “Self-Worth.”
Stop dating men who think gaslighting is their specialty. Don’t chase chemistry when peace would serve better. And stop mistaking fate for the real thing when what may actually exist is just an unfiltered thirst trap and trauma bond.